My alarm didn’t wake me up.
My own existential dread did.

be me
open cupboard
find mysterious tin
spoilerit wasn’t foodspoiler

My PC just made a noise like KRNNNNK and now the fan is vibrating.
I think it’s trying to escape.

decide to clean room
find cable
cable leads to nothing
fear intensifies

I tried to fix my router using sudo hope.
It didn’t work.

be me
cat staring
cat blinking
cat judging
why is he like this

I bought a plant and it died in 48 hours.
Even vegetation doesn’t want to live with me.

try sleeping
brain: “you’re embarrassing”
true but rude
your brain is your biggest hater

drink energy drink
tastes like toxic citrus
you willingly drank that

try fixing router
sudo despair
router refuses
your internet connection is hostage‑taking

open cupboard
find mysterious jar
probably your last remaining brain cell

buy plant
plant dies
fatal proximity to you
botanical genocide

try meditation
brain chanting moron
inner peace denied again

cat knocks over glass
looks proud
furry tyrant
cat owns the house, you’re just visiting

SAFC new front-of-shirt sponsor is Visit Ghana, fuck everyone is Ghana is trying to get to the UK. :(

My microwave made a noise I’ve never heard before.
I think it leveled up.

I swear my toaster is learning.
It burned my bread in the exact shape of a middle finger.

My neighbour just asked if I “believe in the moon.”
I don’t know how to respond.

I tried to fix my PC by “asserting dominance” over it.
It blue‑screened harder.

Anon, why does my cat stare at me like he’s waiting for me to confess something I didn’t do.

be me
open fridge
only thing inside is a single onion
feel judged by onion

I'm Gay

My chair squeaks in Morse code.
I think it’s insulting me

open YouTube
recommended: “How to survive a bear attack indoors”
why indoors

My keyboard double‑types the letter “e”.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m suffering.

be me
buy plant
plant dies
skill issue

My microwave beeped twice.
Then once.
Then twice again.
It’s communicating

try cooking
smoke alarm activates
chef moment

My phone autocorrect changed “hello” to “help”.
not reassuring

My cat knocked something off the shelf, looked at me, and yawned.
power move

decide to exercise
do one push‑up
I have died

My PC froze, then unfroze, then froze again.
quantum computing achieved

try to fix squeaky door
door now screams
progress?

My alarm didn’t go off.
My existential dread did.
reliable

be me
open email
spam folder contains prophecies

My kettle made a noise I’ve never heard before.
I think it barked

decide to reorganize desk
move one item
instantly exhausted
desk wins

My headphones randomly played static.
>ghost.fm

be me
try to sleep
brain: “remember that embarrassing thing from 12 years ago”
thanks

My TV turned on by itself.
I didn’t even panic, I’m used to it

be me
drink energy drink
tastes like radioactive citrus

I swear my phone autocorrect is gaslighting me.
It changed “ok” to “I crave destruction.”